Fear is not the end of this

I still don't want to walk away. There are plenty of signs that I should, and plenty of signs that i shouldn't-- so I'm not going to... yet. It's definitely more difficult to walk away this second time around. I imagined greatness, but reality has far exceeded my silly fantasies. So what am I supposed to do?

This is real. It was getting comfortable, which is good sign for relationships in general, but not for this one. Comfort means that if we get any closer, we're both open to getting hurt. It's scary. Looking back, I've wondered at which point I should've put my guard up to avoid feeling this for him. I think it was impossible upon first meeting him. It was all so magnetic. As much as I've denied it-- that's what happened. It could be over at this point, but I think I've kept my mouth shut long enough to penetrate his soul without him knowing. I wish he would stop trying to fight it. It is useless to resist it.

I'm not a good girl. I'm not the best girl either-- no matter how many times my mom says it. There's better for him out there as there's better for me. I want him the most. I want to be better for him. I've always struggled with monogamy, but I think I have a better idea of it now. Monogamy has always felt like something I was forced to do because it was going to hurt my partner if I cheated. I always felt like a prisoner. I may be more mature now, or more secure with myself... whatever the case, I think I get it now. All of these other men are distractions from me, and I would be relieved to ditch them all if he would just give in.... I think. I wish I could tell him.

I hate relationships where the connection is right but the time is off. He's not ready for a serious relationship...blah blah blah dumb dumb dumb. Maybe I'm not either, but I always believe there is not a perfect time for anything, but now is the best time for everything. Now, dammit. I'm sick of waiting for you.

I'm sick of growing closer to you only to feel you pull away each time I leave. You're so fucking sweet when it's too early in the morning to keep your defenses up. Or is it guilt? You're nice to me because you feel guilty for feeling nothing for me? I don't know. I may never know because you won't let me in, and I'm too afraid to ask you to. I hate that walk from your bed to my car when I have to distinguish feelings for you. I hate feeling used. I wish you would give in so that I can give in too. Why do you tell me not to leave in the morning? What's the point of even trying if this "probably isn't going to go anywhere," as you say. Do we need this as a filler just to get us from point A to point B? It feels like that most days for me. Other days, it just feels so wasteful to be investing in something that "probably isn't going to go anywhere." If you really are "incapable of loving me" as you say-- why even bother with any of it? Is that true or do you just talk shit out of fear? I'm sick of trying to get over someone.

I'm not going to leave you. I'm not done yet.

I know with time, if I don't try at this, he will become a foggy memory, and I'll laugh at how attached I am right now. That's the saddest part for me.

Live- I Alone

It's easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains
I sank into Eden with you
alone in the church by and by
I'll read to you here, save your eyes
you'll need them, your boat is at sea
your anchor is up, you've been swept away
and the greatest of teachers won't hesitate
to leave you there, by yourself, chained to fate

I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
fear is not the end of this!

it's easier not to be great
and measure these things by your eyes
we long to be here by his resolve
alone in the church by and by
to cradle the baby in space
and leave you there by yourself chained to fate

oh, now, we took it back too far,
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn
all come runnin' back to you,
all these rhythms that you hide
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn yeah, yeah, yeah