All Traces Disintegrate

Lying alone in my bed with everything to do and staring at the ceiling closing and opening my eyes unable to sleep any longer while my mind is set adrift on memory bliss of you. I toss and turn wanting to forget, but giving into the urge... again.

How warm and right his body felt against mine. I caressed his torso as my check pressed into his back as time passed by too quickly. Falling asleep as just my finger tips touched his stomach. Then rolling over to my other side with my back facing him while trying to get into a comfortable sleep. His hand reached for me and he pulled me closer against his body surprising me. You don't love me but you want me, don't you? I arched my back and strained my neck offering it to his lips.

It wasn't about love, and it wasn't about lust either: it was something different, and it's happened before and I don't know what it is yet. My thoughts raced as my fingers traced designs upon his stomach. "That tickles," he said. I removed my fingers and said"I'm sorry," then brought my fingertips to his stomach again. He moved my hand. "I don't like to be tickled," he said. "I don't like being tickled either... I won't do it again... I promise," I said. I rubbed his legs with mine, as I softly breathed against his back. I caressed his arms and as much of his body as I could cover with my hands. "What are you doing?" he asked. "I don't know..." was all I could reply.

Then I would lie on my back knowing I had things to do as the afternoon light shone through. I stared at the ceiling trying to figure out a plan. Should I leave or is my lover ready to go again? I wanted to sleep, but I aimed to please him so.

Audio clips and snippets of moments swirl around, but at a slower pace than once before. It's all finally fading and becoming less meaningful now. Concerned, he said, "you feel hot." To which I replied, "I'm burning with desire for you..." I'm saddened as I watch these things that once burned so brightly are swallowed into the ground and are absorbed back into the earth never to be found again. I sift through the sand for the lost jewels as I know it really doesn't matter. It will all mean nothing some day just as all of the other intimate moments I've shared with others mean nothing. Nothing ever becomes of those moments, so why should I give them any value? I tried to push it away and now I'm cradling the rigamortis-filled memories one last time before they're laid to rest. Ashes to ashes... dust to dust... my dear.

People who don't value you don't deserve to receive certain parts of you. "Mmm... mmm... " I hummed quietly as I slithered around on my back while I caressed the hair on the back of his head and directed his face between my shaking thighs. "Oh... God..." I breathed as I took his hand in mine and squeezed it. Then when it was his turn, he squeezed my hand the same way... and none of it really matters... does it?

I wanted to give it away one last time and I tried like hell but I couldn't. I can't fuck someone I want to make love to. And I'm mad because I wanted to make love to him and he wanted to fuck me and I wanted to let him.

You carelessly give away parts of your soul when you engage in activities like that-- all for that high. Some of the highest of highs are responsible for the lowest of lows. "Sell something to someone you love.. not someone that you don't.. even though..." I try to remember. I couldn't wait to get under you and now all I have is to get over you. You hate me? Well I hate you too because I'm so much better than this, and I think you are too.

Traces- Built To Spill

Daylight can never really hide what’s alive
I know it's hard sometimes
For you to tell where you end
And where the world begins

You do your best to avoid assimilation
Guess that's the best you can do

And all the parts of it that matter change
All traces disintegrate

At night
My mind gets on this
Train of thought
And can't get back off
And when you know
How few things there are worth knowing
I suppose anyone who tries could forget

Responding now
To trains that crash before you
Never thought crashing could happen to you

And all the parts of it that matter change
All traces disintegrate