The Sweetest Kill

All of those little conversations, how they added up so quickly. All the while-- I knew he was the one for me, and I couldn't have him because he had a girlfriend. We had conversations about nothing. "Why are you up so late?" I would say. He would reply, "but you're awake too. Why are you up so late?" Nothing. We had conversations about nothing, yet they meant the world to me. I had the biggest crush on him, though I knew he could never be mine.

I wanted to stop talking to him. The pain became too intense. I needed him to be mine, and I knew he wouldn't. I was amazed with his face and everything he said and did. I wondered if he knew how strangely obsessed with him I was. He was like a beautiful statue in a museum that appears to be flawless, and it's not real, but you are in awe of its beauty anyway. I was in awe. I started to think about him constantly. I wondered why he was with that girl and I wondered if he would be happier with me.

We didn't even live in the same state. We somehow ended up friends on Twitter or Facebook. I really don't even know how he came into my life, but he was there, and I couldn't stop talking with him. I don't know why, but there was this intense connection I had with him even though we never really talked about anything very intense. He was my dream boy. I daydreamed about him all of the time. I wanted to meet him and just spend some time with him. Having sweet thoughts of him made my life better. It made my day go by quicker while I was at work or school. I knew it was probably unhealthy for me to fantasize about someone so much who could never be mine, but I did it anyway.

It seemed like he had a great relationship with his girlfriend. By his Facebook posts, it seemed they were happy together. They had all of these disgusting cutesy pictures together that made me sick. Each picture he posted hurt me. I know it was weird, but that's what happened. She was pretty. She seemed like a simple girl. Probably nice and easy to get along with. I figured they would get married and be together forever. I needed to get over my silly obsession with him. It's not right to fantasize about being with some other woman's man.

I never thought they would break up, but they did. I watched as his posts got dark and desperate. I didn't acknowledge his break up at first. I figured they would get back together. Just because they broke up didn't mean that I could have him. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I was glad they broke up. I wanted to talk with him about it, but I didn't want to know all of the details.

Then he started making flattering comments on my pictures on Facebook. I thought he was just doing that to distract himself from his break up. Maybe he was. I don't know. I'll never know. Anyway-- I sent him a message.

I said- "I see you are going through a break up. Are you ok?"
He said "How did you know? I'm getting there."
I said- "Because you are shamelessly flirting with me. Is it helping you to feel better? Do you want to talk about it?"
He said- "Wow, you are good! No. I don't want to talk about it."
I said- "Wish I was there to give you a blow job and make you feel a little better HAHA JK."
He said- "Ok now I'm tempted to go visit you."
I said- "I would love to visit SLC. I've never been there before."
He said- "When can you come here?"
I said- "August 19th I am on vacation from work"
He said- "I'll be in NYC for a convention that week"
I said- "Ok, then I'll go to NYC"
He said- "Ok, I'll let you know which hotel I'm staying at"

I knew that I had to do what I could to see him. Luckily, I had money saved up at the time, so I could just book a flight to NYC and see him. I was determined to meet him, and just spend some time with him.

The next two weeks went by slowly. It felt like an eternity. I was so nervous to see him. I couldn't believe I was going all the way to NYC just to meet this guy. I knew it was crazy, but I needed to see him. The night before I left Denver to meet him in NYC, he told me- "Why aren't you here yet? Your clothes should be in a pile next to my bed right now." I said- "Just let your mind wander in anticipation for me." I tried to play it cool, but I was really going crazy over meeting him.

When my plane landed in NYC, I was so worried that he would decide that he didn't want to see me. When I got to the apartment in Brooklyn that I was staying at, I changed my clothes a dozen times, and I kept messing with my hair. It was hot outside. The sweat dripped down my back. My face was flushed. I wanted everything to be perfect.

We agreed to meet at a bar by The Hilton Midtown. I noticed his face immediately. He was nervous. He was more nervous than I was. Why was he so nervous to meet me? I wondered. He told me he was nervous. He was all sweaty, and so was I. We talked like old friends. I had never even heard his voice before that night.

We kissed like we had been lovers all along. I felt like I knew him already, and he told me that he felt like he knew me. We kissed on the stoop of that bar all night. We could not keep our hands off each other. "Lets go into the bathroom," I said. He said, "no, we can't, not like this. I like you, and when we have sex, I want it to be special. I want it to be meaningful." I agreed, although I wanted him right then and there. We held hands. He held me so tightly in his arms. It was nearly 3 am, and we stared into each other's eyes, and couldn't say goodbye. "I feel like if I say goodbye right now, we will never see each other again," he said. I said, "we will see each other again, I promise." He said, "will you come out to SLC and visit me? I'll send you a plane ticket." I said, "Yes. I want to be with you. We will see each other again." He said, "will you move to SLC?" I said, "yes, I will." Then he went back to his hotel, and I got a cab back to Brooklyn.

I felt like I had just had a life-altering experience, and I knew I would never be the same. I couldn't sleep that night. I just thought about him, and how perfect everything was. I had this major knot in my stomach just hoping what happened was real, and that he would finally be mine. Just mine. I wanted him all to myself. I did not want to share him with the rest of the world. I woke up the next day, and I couldn't believe what had happened.

The next two weeks went by quickly, and we were miserable without each other. "Fuck your job. Come out here and be with me," he said. I said, "ok, please give me some time to figure shit out, and I promise I will move out there and be with you." "This is crazy," he said. I said, "I know. Are we doing the right thing?" He said, "we just have to follow our hearts. You play things too safe. You need to take some risks." I said, "yes, you're right. Please just give me some time to get my shit together so I can be with you." He said, "ok, when? When can we be together?" We agreed that I would move out there 4 months from then. He said that was too long, but I was scared. I was terrified. I've lived in Colorado my whole life, and I had just agreed to move to another state to be with someone I had only met once.

I applied to The University of Utah and soon received my acceptance letter. The time was getting closer. I was sick to my stomach every day. I was about to abandon my job, my college, my family-- all for this guy who I was ridiculously obsessed with.

I wasn't sure at the time, but I know now that I was in love with him. The entire time I had started talking to him, I was in love with him. I felt sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and have his babies. I even told him that. He told me he wanted that too. All I wanted to do was move to SLC and spend my days making soup, being his wife, and being pregnant with his baby.

I hated my life in Colorado, and I was ready to start my life with him. I wanted to run away from all of my problems here. I felt like he was the solution to my problems. He treated me better than anyone else ever had. He was my dream boy. I felt like he was so perfect for me. He told me that he felt like we were perfect together. Everything was moving too quickly. My head started to spin wildly. I had a nagging feeling that something was majorly wrong. Was I about to make the worst mistake of my life?

I sent him beautiful violet flowers. I sent him a dozen chocolate covered strawberries for his birthday. I was under his spell.

"I don't want you here, I need you here," he told me. "I'm trying," I said. He said, "I've been taking Vicodin, and I need to stop. I need you to help me. Can you help me?" I was shocked. All I could say was, "yes, I'll help you." Then I cried. I cried for days. I was about to leave my entire life behind to take care of a drug addict. "I can't save you. You have to save yourself," I said.

We argued about it. "You're not my mother," he told me. "I don't want to be your mother!" I told him. The life I had built for us in my head was quickly breaking down. Then it just burst into flames. He was talking to another woman on Facebook.

"Who is she? How bad is it? Fix it. Fix it right now," I demanded.

"What? Who? What do you mean? It's not like that. I don't talk to her like I talk to you," he explained.

"Fix it then. I need to be the most important woman in your life. This isn't going to work unless I am the most important woman in your life," I said.

"You are the most important woman in my life," he said.

"Not with her around, I'm not. I don't like her. I don't want her around," I said.

"I can't just get rid of a friend for you. You need to stop being so insecure. I don't have anything going on with her. Stop being crazy," He said.

On a Facebook post, she invited herself to visit him in SLC, and he said she could visit. I flipped the fuck out. I could not stand her, and if I was moving there, then she would be visiting both of us, and I didn't want to see her. She was constantly after him on Facebook, and I know he liked the attention, and kept her around to feed his ego. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.

I confronted her about it. She acted coy, and lead me to think they were more than just friends. He denied it. We argued. Then he said, "I think we are done." I said, "yes, I think we are. I thought you were so much better than this."

That was pretty much the end of it.

"I loved you. I should just be with someone who loves me more than I love them. It would be less painful," I said.

"Are you drunk," he said.

"Yes, I'm drunk," I said.

"I'm not with her. I'm not with anyone. Come spend the weekend with me," he said.

"No, I cant!"

"Then why are you contacting me?," He asked.

"BECAUSE I'M DRUNK," I said.

We had a few more horrible interactions like that, then it was over.

I hate how it ended. I wish there was somehow to fix it so we could've just ended things on a good note.

I wanted to believe that he didn't have anything going on with that other woman.

I wanted to believe that I could fix him.

I wanted to fix him.

I wanted to just be with him and love him forever.

I figured I would get over him and meet someone new and think the whole thing was silly.

I will always love him.

I will always miss him.

I will always be amazed by everything about him...

and I will always regret that things didn't work out.

... and I have to accept that.

Sweetest Kill- Broken Social Scene
I thought you were the sweetest kill
Did I even know?
And all the times we thought we did
Was it just for show?

If they try to pull you out
Would you even go?
I thought you were the sweetest kill
Did you even know?

I held your hand into the light
Scars were on the back
And all the time we were the right
Was it just retract?

And they can try to put you down, wear you out
Get you through the idea of the luck

I thought you were the sweetest kill
Did we even know?

All the time we get by
Tryin' to figure out our lives
Like a fade out

All the time we get by
Tryin' to figure out our lives
Like a fade out

When we took the level ten
Was it just a twelve?
And when we went to where we've been
Was it just for self?

And they can try to wear you down, put you out
Get you through your will: that won't work

I thought you were the sweetest kill
Could I even know?

All the time we get by
Tryin' to figure out our lives
Like a fade out
All the time we get by
Tryin' to figure out our lives
Like a fade out
All the time we get by
Tryin' to figure out our lives
Like a fade out

I break you through this world
I break you through this world
Let me break you to this world
Can I break you through this world?

what is your dream job?

To be a lawyer by day, and a drag queen dj by night.. I'd also like to write professionally.. be a socialite sometimes.. I have lots of dream jobs

Ask me anything

The Speed of Pain

Last year was the best year of my life. I had never experienced true happiness before last year. Every day was more exciting than the day before. I laid around for hours basking in absolute happiness and eternal beauty. All of the optimistic shit that came out of my mouth, I actually felt and believed.

I've spent years being unhappy. ENTIRE years. I laid helpless in bed gazing out my window into a world I would never be a part of. I was debilitated. I had all of these brilliant thoughts trapped inside of a sick body.

So I was happy... and I enjoyed every moment of it because I was afraid it would go away. On the happiest of days I told myself, NO-- YOU WILL NOT BE SAD AGAIN. I REFUSE IT. I WILL FORCE MY WAY THROUGH ANY UNHAPPINESS I ENCOUNTER.

I was ridiculously in love with two men at once. I had a friend who's soul moved so closely with mine it was difficult to tell where he ended and where I began. And it ended. All of it.

Things started to fall apart and I tried desperately to gather the shards of glass on the floor to reassemble my life without cutting myself. But I didn't try hard enough.

I didn't want to go out that night. I had a bad feeling about the evening. I shook it away and I went out anyway. Going out is really hit or miss... some nights just aren't fun.

I can't even remember the first half of that night. I was dancing with these new friends I had, and I was trying to relate to them, but they mostly annoyed me. I hated them, actually. "Who the fuck are these people?" I thought.

I'm thinking about that night again tonight.

The summer was ending.

I was drunk and everything seemed to go on without me. I felt the bass beating deep within my chest and I felt nothing. I watched the lights flash needlessly. I watched my "friends" dance and know nothing about me. I was immobile. Pathetic. I felt that old familiar chill. It's always going to be like this, isn't it? I had a moment of happiness and it was gone... back to going out with strangers I hated. Back to strange relationships with strange men that didn't last. It was like waking up from a dream.

At that moment, I wanted to die. I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to lay down and die. I fantasized about slitting my wrists, ODing, hanging myself, shooting myself in the face... all snapshots.. over and over.. faster and faster.. swirling around in my head. My heart raced and a smile overcame me. I felt calm and certain. I wasn't afraid to die like I was the other times. I felt hopeless. I welcomed death with open arms. The only thing that frightened me was this determination to die. Maybe I should tell someone? Maybe I should think about it more? Because I actually wanted to do it. The only bit of energy I had left to try was to try to kill myself.

Reaching out for help is a new thing for me, and I don't enjoy doing it at all, but I did it anyway. I can't even recall what I said at this point.

Everyone was telling me to go home, but I couldn't move. I sat on a bar stool all done up with my head spinning and wondering what the fuck was happening to me.

Someone took me home. I don't remember who. I remember opening the car door and running to my house as I burst out into tears before I even reached my door.

I called a stranger. Some guy I had stopped talking to but started talking to again out of the sheer need to spill my problems onto someone who I didn't care about. I was gasping for air and crying very deeply into the phone.. into this strangers ear. He was trying to talk some sense into me. I think he was delighted to be with me during this desperate moment in my life. I think he thought it would bring us closer. He may have even found the experience to be beautiful. I needed to be comforted by someone who I was not invested in because the people I was invested in were gone, and I wouldn't dare put that kind of pressure on someone who I actually cared about.

I cried and cried and cried until I got it all out. I didn't even pay much attention to the things the stranger was telling me. I hated him. I hated everything about him and the stupid things he was saying. "Can I take some sleeping pills now?" I asked him. "No" he said, "please don't take any sleeping pills." "I need them" I told him. He said, "no.. no you don't Sonia (he liked using my name)" I hated when he said my name. "Ok.. I just took some sleeping pills... talk to me until I fall asleep," I demanded.

"I'm sleepy now... I feel so much better... mmm... I feel so good... good... good... goodnight"

I felt at peace and I believed the next day would be a new and better day...

That was the last time I was happy.

Life got worse. I fought hard. I didn't give up. I'm exhausted. I've spent the past 8 months fighting for my life... fighting for my job... my friendships... my romantic interests... I've tried everything. I've rearranged my furniture and my perspective a million times. I've spent a considerable amount of time crying in my bathtub. Ashamed. I was happy... I did it... and I couldn't get it back. I failed. I failed myself and I failed everyone who have ever had to see me sad and wished I wasn't.

This isn't the most miserable I've ever been, but it's close.

If I could just get some good sleep...

I miss being happy. I remember it less and less each day.

Love Will Tear Us Apart

I remember the smell of fresh cut grass and deep summer nights descending into dreaded mornings with nothing to hold onto but the love in my heart. When this blows over... and we're somewhere else... all good things come to an end... and I don't want to remember ever feeling that frightened.

"Somethings gotta change... quickly... I can't go on much longer like this"

"I wish I had something optimistic to say to let you know that things will change and we'll be ok... but I don't..."

"I don't either"

...

"I can't do it anymore... I hate this... all of the pain... I can't..."

"SHUT UP... STOP IT AND GO HOME"

"No... I can't... I just can't"

"Don't do this"

...

"I hate you... Don't ever do that to me again"

...

"I love you. I wish that I could say it but I can't. I'm sorry"

... I waited so long to say "I love you" and I couldn't even SAY it. I still can't. Not like that. The only way I can explain it as is a deep agonizing pain. It's an unpleasant squeeze. Something so pure and gentle shouldn't feel so awful. It's obvious and probably always was despite our foolishness. We were kids just last year, and somehow we're all grown up and apart. A little is never enough.

I could have pulled harder, but I pushed further, and we were both so busy. "Brilliant minds need time to breath before they reunite with new ideas to share... distance makes the heart grow fonder... blah blah blah" We're both planets orbiting around the sun.

Do I have the energy/patience/desire to resuscitate another friendship? Will it work this time?

Fucking jealousy stings every goddamn day and this has been the worst 6 months of... I don't know... it's been fucking bad and I hate your decisions, but I get it.

"I miss you" doesn't have any weight anymore. I think it too much. I say it too much. My hand is too cold waiting in the wind for you.

When I speak of you, it feels like I'm talking about a dream I had.

I have no desire to recreate that summer-- though lovely it was and I couldn't have made it through without you.

I feel like you're already gone and I let you and I should've tried harder to make you stay... but I don't think you would've.

We'll always have that connection. It will always be meaningful-- but I hate catching up with you and feeling disconnected from you.

Skeleton- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Love my name
Love left dry
Frost or flame
Skeleton me
Fall asleep
Spin the sky
Skeleton me
Love, don't cry
Love, don't cry
Love, don't cry
Skeleton me
Skeleton me

Soon comes rain
Dry your eyes
Frost or flame
Skeleton me
Fall asleep
Spin the sky
Skeleton me
Love, don't cry
Love, don't cry
Love, don't cry
Skeleton me
Skeleton me
Skeleton

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Soniamonia

formspring.me

If you could have been the author of any book, what would it have been?

The Bible.

Ask me anything

Life Is Unfair. Kill Yourself or Get over It.

I'm done with you. Finally. Done with the fantasies of a life that will never be ours. I probably won't ever see you again. That part still makes me sad, but I am more accepting. Ready to do it all over again. Better this time. With someone better. That's the key to moving on. Knowing that I can be with someone better. I fantasize now about who I want to be with instead of our life together that you didn't want. It's embarrassing. To think of myself all caught up in you. Silly girl with my mouth zippered shut in your bed. At your feet. Kissing your ass. Missing what was never mine. I needed it at
the time. Thank God I'm someone else now. I won't forget you. I'll always feel inspired by my time with you. I don't hate you. It's unfair. Life is unfair and I think that's how it's supposed to be.